I was flipping through the Victoria’s Secret catalog last night and having flashbacks to when I worked in one of the stores during the prime gift-giving times like Christmas or Valentine’s Day. I’m not trying to be mean, but guys, as a group you have no idea how to shop for your woman. There are exceptions, like my husband (lucky for me), but by and large, you’re clueless.

So out of pity for you and your woman, I have rolled up my sleeves and written up this handy guide for you.

1) If you are buying her any type of clothing and the salesperson asks what size she is, do not say (if the salesperson is a woman) “About your size.” You know what happened every single time a guy told me that when I was working in Victoria’s Secret? Right after the holiday the woman would exchange the item for the right size (if she liked it, that is). Also, do not say, “She’s about a Medium.” Once again, you’re doomed to failure with that response.

Find out her size, dude! C’mon, you never have access to any of her clothes with labels in them? Write the type of item down, with the size next to it. Sometimes two of the same item, like two shirts, will have two different sizes, leading you to scratch your head in confusion. Yes, it confuses us too, but write them both down and show it to the salesperson. They’ll be able to figure it out. You can also just ask your lady to write her sizes down for you.

If you are not sure which size to choose, choose the smaller one. She’d much rather exchange it because you think she’s skinnier than she is than because you think she’s fatter than she is.

2) Do not buy her any kind of electrical appliance unless she has specifically asked for it. See, here’s the thing. Women often interpret your gifts in terms of “how does he see me?” If you give her a vacuum cleaner, you see her as the maid. (If you give her a French maid’s costume, that’s different). If you give her a blender, she’s the cook. If you get her a leaf-blower, I don’t know if even I can help you.

This actually doesn’t apply to about 10% of women who are, like me, very pragmatic. We actually do want a Roomba. But we’re in the minority. Make sure she’s the very pragmatic type of woman before you attempt this tricky maneuver.

3) Ask her friends, sister, mother. These are the people who know what her taste is, and she might have mentioned a particular gift she’d like to them.

Note: This does not mean you ask them to do the shopping for you, although asking them if they can come with you is permissible.

Along those lines, do not expect your wife/girlfriend/SO to do the gift shopping for you family and friends as soon as you get serious with her. We’re accustomed to it, but it really bugs most of us. And we really respect a man who does it himself.

4) Ask yourself who the present is really for if you find yourself buying a Catholic schoolgirl uniform. No joke - this actually happened to me. He didn’t give me a real Catholic schoolgirl’s uniform, but a short pleated skirt with a sweater, which trust me, was not my type of outfit. Not to mention, this dovetailed with certain proclivities of his. So, in other words, only buy her the slutty lingerie if you know she would really, honestly prefer that over the romantic lingerie.

5) Please do not even try the “I bought the big-screen TV for you, honey” unless she is a TV and technology addict. It really doesn’t work unless she’s a complete idiot, and if she is, why are you with her?

6) As far as lingerie goes, seriously reconsider buying it for Christmas unless you are opening your presents with just the two of you. Do you really want your parents or her parents or your little niece and nephew seeing the bustier and garter-belt? No, you really, really don’t.

7) Ask her if she’s allergic to any fibers. Some women can only wear natural fibers. I, sadly, cannot even wear cashmere, but I’m the exception. Most women aren’t that sensitive.

You are permitted to buy one gift certificate if you’re buying her several other presents. No more than that. Trust me, you don’t get much credit for knowing which stores are her favorites and shelling out some cash.

And finally, consider doing it with flair. I remember when I worked in the Victoria’s Secret in Copley Plaza we had a Hawaiian customer who always bought presents for his wife when he was in town on business. He’d always buy multiples of the same item. Twenty different potpourri sachets. Ten different pairs of satin underpants. Three different robes. We thought he was pretty cool. And he knew his wife’s sizes.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006 at 3:30 pm and is filed under Life, Shopping. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, bookmark this on del.icio.us, or trackback from your own site.