I just got back from shopping on Black Friday, the day after Christmas. It’s called Black Friday because it’s the first day of the year that retailers (potentially) start seeing black ink on the balance sheet instead of red. For almost anyone else, unless you’re suffering from the holiday blues, Black Friday is the beginning of the the holiday season, full of gift-giving, parties, lots of yummy food and family togetherness.

For anyone with depression, however, Black Friday might be thought of as the official start of one of the worst times of the year. Not only are there so many more demands on your time, energy and finances (often an issue for anyone with depression), but there’s also an increase in potential irritants like holiday music, crowds and commercialism (which is depressing to everyone).

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Someone recently asked why I spend so much of my time working to raise awareness of depression. To be honest, I hadn’t really thought about it in years. It’s been such a big part of my life for the last twelve years that I no longer think about the actual reasons why I do what I do.
Coincidentally, it was twelve years ago this weekend, with the help of “HTML for Dummies” and AOL’s online course for creating a webpage on their site, that I created and published the first five pages of Wing of Madness. It was one of the first websites on depression that was created and run by a patient instead of a doctor or medical organization.

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My biological father died at the end of September from Lou Gehrig’s disease. If you read my earlier post about his death, you’ll know that our relationship was complex, to say the least. I wasn’t sure how I would react when he passed away. He was not a big part of my life in the way that my stepfather always has been. I did wonder if the grief would resemble depression at all, since the prevailing wisdom says that it can.

I didn’t cry a lot. Just a few minutes when I first heard about his death. I kept waiting for a big bout of tears to come, but it didn’t. So I thought, “Okay, I guess that’s it.” This may sound strange, or perhaps like I was blocking things. In part that was probably true initially, since he died when my husband was out of town, and I didn’t want to fall apart when I was the only one taking care of my son.

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So you know you have depression, or you’re pretty sure you do, but you’re putting off doing anything about it. Procrastinating is a fairly common state of affairs for people with depression. I once put off renewing the registration for my car (before I was diagnosed with depression) and of course it expired, as they do. I ended up getting a huge ticket, about one week’s pay, because I was unlucky enough to be in front of a state cop in stop-and-go traffic. It seems really stupid now that I didn’t get it done, but I do remember the complete lack of motivation that came with my depression.

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